I wanted to find you

 On October 8th, 2021 I celebrated six months of sobriety by myself on the floor next to my bed feeling as if I was a wounded animal who wanted to be left alone to die. Although it was a triumph fraught with tears and sobbing so violent that I thought my body might split in half at one point, no one could possibly comprehend how symbolic it was for me. Grief submerged me in waves of pain for a few hours.

Since I didn’t understand what was happening to me, I had isolated myself completely from the outside world. I was embarrassed. After two years of this often frenzied and wandering dance with life, I realize I can’t hold anyone’s gaze because I see nothing but my own worthlessness everywhere I look. So I chose loneliness. I couldn’t handle the thought of anyone else knowing just how bad I felt.